Thursday, October 29, 2009

Questions and memories

I do wonder sometimes what was on her mind when she knew she would be leaving soon.

I couldn't sleep most nights since I came back. There are many questions running through my mind each night. Strangely, I don't need any answer to them. I just keep asking in silence....

How did she feel about me?
How does it feel to leave behind everything and everyone that makes you who you are?
How does it feel like when the air is thinning and breathing becomes shallower?
How does it feel like when the body can't move anymore?
How does it feel when the muscles are wearing off and shrinking?
How does it feel when you can only stare at the ceiling?
How does it feel when you can't taste anymore?
How does it feel when you can't hear anymore?
How does it feel when I complain but nobody hears?
How does it feel when I have given up and resign?
How does it feel when I finally close my eyes forever?

I tried to remember words she used to say, conversations we had before, places we have been together...
unfortunately, there weren't too many such memories. Perhaps I
had been away for too long.

This ring is a way for me to remember her. She gave it to me some years ago.....

Jazz, the drag king instructor can't make it to Japan... so maybe I will go to Japan by myself. I will book a ticket tomorrow, and hopefully, I can sleep better again when I tour. Or perhaps, I will have more questions.....

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

my mom. very sad news.

I just writte briefely because I d0n't really feel like it at all but since I feel comitted to this diary somehow.
About 20 days ago I had to fly back to texas because my mother was very sick. they found her a breast cancer vary advanced. she had synthoms but she hadn't told anybody. and she's been sleeping alone for such a long time that no one had noticed anything.
It was too late, too late for saving her. she passed away 3 days ago.
I'm back to lisbon now.
I didn't feel like staying
I don't feel well with my family around
my two sisters, so old and so different from me, and always ready to tell me what should i do with my life. as if their life were happy at all...
no, i couldn't take it. i rather be back in europe by myself and have some confort from the few friends i have. one of them, by the way, is the instructor of the drag king work shop, we've became really close friends. i'm thinking about inviting her to my trip to japan, she/he is so nice...

Friday, October 9, 2009

Drag King Workshop Rocks

Oh my god, it has been such an eye opener. We all know what drag queens are, but drag kings???
I was waiting at the workshop's lobby, actually feeling kind of timid and embarrassed. But the regulars who attend the workshop seemed really friendly and that made me settle in a bit more.

5 minutes later, the instructor walked in through the door. I knew it from the body language of the rest. She was a beautiful petite lady, while the rest of us consisted of all shapes and sizes... small, big, long, short, round, flat, rectangular.... you name it, we have it. She was soft spoken and ladylike the way she greeted us.... I began to wonder what drag king workshop really is.

As we entered into the hall, something like a dance studio with little stage at the far corner, people automatically found a spot for themselves, making sure that all were evenly distributed in the space, as if a mass aerobic workout was to begin.

The petite instructor took the stage. Now, she seemed to have transform into another person I saw in the lobby. Her voice sounded strong and firm, almost covering Mustang Sally in the background. Mustang Sally???!!!??? What era is this now? Or am I transported back to Texas...

Anyway, she began the workshop, explaining the observation of gestures and mannerism in MAN. Slowly, she guided us to experiment with our own bodies. I have to admit that it was awkward. But looking around, everyone were having fun and enjoying this role-playing exercise. We tried various man samples.... a tough rugged one, a gentleman, a horny one, a sexy one like those Korean guys in asia TV drama, and a gay one. Thank God, the music changed accordingly to match the sample, so it was safe that I wouldn't have to hear Mustang Sally for 1 hour.

The 2nd part of the workshop, we were allowed to dress ourselves up from a wardrobe of mens' outfit such as shirts, ties, coats, shoes, belt, tank top, caps, hat, jeans and some kinky flurry coats.... All of a sudden, I felt like playing with Barbie Dolls again, except this time, I became the doll itself.

After we all dolled ourselves up as men, Jazz, the instructor, taught us a routine. It was a Freddy Mercury's Drag Sequence.

(Music) We.... are the champion my friend..... and we...keep on fighting to the end.... we are the champion... we are the champion..... ..... ......

I ... had an afro on, a business shirt, slacks with a red tie.... I had so much fun learning to grab my balls. I am sure I will be back for more, and the next time, I will dress up like Michael Jackson.

oh, btw, life for me has been really good since I became a millionaire. I have since bought a penthouse in the most expensive part of town. In about a month's time, I should be able to move in. Will update again when that happens.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

to be a man

today i've woken up thinking about how different could my life would have been if i was born as a man.
i guess this is something i'd be very interested on trying. actually i'm curious about how would i be if i was a man. would i be a texan asshole as most of the boys i met on high school? would i be nice? would i be gay?
would i treat women with the sense of superiority that most men do?
does it feel really powerful to have a dick? and if it does, is this maybe the reason why...
forget it, i think i'm trying to say something that i'm not really sure what it is, or i'm sure but i don't find the right words, probably so. i usually have problems finding the right words to express myself.
anyways, i think i'm gonna join the drag kings workshop that i herd about the other day. since my friend told me i keep on thinking how much i'd love to do it but how embarrassed i would be...mmm today i'm gonna call just to find out more precisely what is it going to be like. and what kind of girls do this kind of workshops...this is stupid, who cares...