This is my horoscope reading for today:

"Your energy could be a little low today and you might find it difficult to be as productive as you'd like to be right now. If you find yourself feeling a little moody or insecure, this could trip you up a bit as well. Just realize that you'll probably be much better off if you can try to keep any unpleasant feelings to yourself for the time being."

I wonder who writes them... and how do they know??? As a matter of fact, my energy has been low for the whole month of December... maybe I will just drift into 2010 with this low energy, as if it matters which year it is....

meat

i don't want to eat meat anymore

i want to eat you

i don't want to eat meat, i want to eat your flesh and that will be all

i would like to be able of closing my eyes and keep the whole world in the other side of my eye lids

is it possible to stay away from the personal invasion that the world means?

division

Questions and memories

I do wonder sometimes what was on her mind when she knew she would be leaving soon.

I couldn't sleep most nights since I came back. There are many questions running through my mind each night. Strangely, I don't need any answer to them. I just keep asking in silence....

How did she feel about me?

How does it feel to leave behind everything and everyone that makes you who you are?

How does it feel like when the air is thinning and breathing becomes shallower?

How does it feel like when the body can't move anymore?

How does it feel when the muscles are wearing off and shrinking?

How does it feel when you can only stare at the ceiling?

How does it feel when you can't taste anymore?

How does it feel when you can't hear anymore?

How does it feel when I complain but nobody hears?

How does it feel when I have given up and resign?

How does it feel when I finally close my eyes forever?

I tried to remember words she used to say, conversations we had before, places we have been together...

unfortunately, there weren't too many such memories. Perhaps I

had been away for too long.

This ring is a way for me to remember her. She gave it to me some years ago.....

Jazz, the drag king instructor can't make it to Japan... so maybe I will go to Japan by myself. I will book a ticket tomorrow, and hopefully, I can sleep better again when I tour. Or perhaps, I will have more questions.....

my mom. very sad news.

I just writte briefely because I d0n't really feel like it at all but since I feel comitted to this diary somehow.

About 20 days ago I had to fly back to texas because my mother was very sick. they found her a breast cancer vary advanced. she had synthoms but she hadn't told anybody. and she's been sleeping alone for such a long time that no one had noticed anything.

It was too late, too late for saving her. she passed away 3 days ago.

I'm back to lisbon now.

I didn't feel like staying

I don't feel well with my family around

my two sisters, so old and so different from me, and always ready to tell me what should i do with my life. as if their life were happy at all...

no, i couldn't take it. i rather be back in europe by myself and have some confort from the few friends i have. one of them, by the way, is the instructor of the drag king work shop, we've became really close friends. i'm thinking about inviting her to my trip to japan, she/he is so nice...

Drag King Workshop Rocks

Oh my god, it has been such an eye opener. We all know what drag queens are, but drag kings???

I was waiting at the workshop's lobby, actually feeling kind of timid and embarrassed. But the regulars who attend the workshop seemed really friendly and that made me settle in a bit more.

5 minutes later, the instructor walked in through the door. I knew it from the body language of the rest. She was a beautiful petite lady, while the rest of us consisted of all shapes and sizes... small, big, long, short, round, flat, rectangular.... you name it, we have it. She was soft spoken and ladylike the way she greeted us.... I began to wonder what drag king workshop really is.

As we entered into the hall, something like a dance studio with little stage at the far corner, people automatically found a spot for themselves, making sure that all were evenly distributed in the space, as if a mass aerobic workout was to begin.

The petite instructor took the stage. Now, she seemed to have transform into another person I saw in the lobby. Her voice sounded strong and firm, almost covering Mustang Sally in the background. Mustang Sally???!!!??? What era is this now? Or am I transported back to Texas...

Anyway, she began the workshop, explaining the observation of gestures and mannerism in MAN. Slowly, she guided us to experiment with our own bodies. I have to admit that it was awkward. But looking around, everyone were having fun and enjoying this role-playing exercise. We tried various man samples.... a tough rugged one, a gentleman, a horny one, a sexy one like those Korean guys in asia TV drama, and a gay one. Thank God, the music changed accordingly to match the sample, so it was safe that I wouldn't have to hear Mustang Sally for 1 hour.

The 2nd part of the workshop, we were allowed to dress ourselves up from a wardrobe of mens' outfit such as shirts, ties, coats, shoes, belt, tank top, caps, hat, jeans and some kinky flurry coats.... All of a sudden, I felt like playing with Barbie Dolls again, except this time, I became the doll itself.

After we all dolled ourselves up as men, Jazz, the instructor, taught us a routine. It was a Freddy Mercury's Drag Sequence.

(Music) We.... are the champion my friend..... and we...keep on fighting to the end.... we are the champion... we are the champion..... ..... ......

I ... had an afro on, a business shirt, slacks with a red tie.... I had so much fun learning to grab my balls. I am sure I will be back for more, and the next time, I will dress up like Michael Jackson.

oh, btw, life for me has been really good since I became a millionaire. I have since bought a penthouse in the most expensive part of town. In about a month's time, I should be able to move in. Will update again when that happens.

to be a man

today i've woken up thinking about how different could my life would have been if i was born as a man.

i guess this is something i'd be very interested on trying. actually i'm curious about how would i be if i was a man. would i be a texan asshole as most of the boys i met on high school? would i be nice? would i be gay?

would i treat women with the sense of superiority that most men do?

does it feel really powerful to have a dick? and if it does, is this maybe the reason why...

forget it, i think i'm trying to say something that i'm not really sure what it is, or i'm sure but i don't find the right words, probably so. i usually have problems finding the right words to express myself.

anyways, i think i'm gonna join the drag kings workshop that i herd about the other day. since my friend told me i keep on thinking how much i'd love to do it but how embarrassed i would be...mmm today i'm gonna call just to find out more precisely what is it going to be like. and what kind of girls do this kind of workshops...this is stupid, who cares...

travel

I'm not sure about what to do with all the money I have now. I've just realized that I feel lonelier than ever. I've just realized that here in Lisbon I almost have no friends and that maybe I should try to socialize more...but then again I find most of the people not interesting at all. I don't know, I listen to myself and sometimes it's just like listening to a complaining teenager. I don't even find the right words to express myself.

anyways, just to move, to see other things, to travel around the world, I'm starting to plan a trip to Japan, I think it would be interesting and exciting, and I've always been fascinated about Japan...I'm thinking about going there on Christmas time, that could be nice... since I'm rich now I don't even have to worry about how much the ticket will cost as I used to...

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL i guess

Rich Alice

I have not been sober enough to write a post here for the past week. I have been celebrating my win with lots of parties, booze and good food.

SO....... OVERNIGHT.... I HAVE BECOME A RICH ALICE WITH A FORTUNE OF 1 MILLION DOLLAR!!!!!!

Nobody will believe this and think it is probably Alice going mad with her hallucination... I couldn't believe it too. For the whole evening, I was double checking each number on my lottery ticket with the results on the papers. I must have checked more than 100 times..... For now, my mind is just wild with ideas to use this money!!!

Should I?

TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD

BUY A NEW HOUSE WITH A NICE GARDEN

A MERCEDES-BENZ SL-Maxx

HIRE A PERSONAL COOK AND A MASSEUR AND A PERSONAL TRAINER

BUILD A IN-HOUSE SPA AND JACUZZI

BUY A NEW COMPUTER (my pc died and am converting to mac user)

BUY A PONY

PLASTIC SURGERY TO FIX MY SCARS

IMPORT THE FINEST WINE FROM FRANCE

........... THE LIST goes on

So how did it happen? If you have read my earlier post, I have recently picked up a new hobby called 'Running'. I ran religiously every morning starting from my house. The more I run, the longer each run last. On this particular morning, I did a half marathon, ending right in front of a lottery booth. The lady at the counter gave me a warm welcoming smile. I wondered if she had realized that I just ran 21 km and her smile was meant to be a encouraging trophy.

To reward myself, I bought a lottery ticket. I didn't think I would be lucky enough to strike one. The purchase was just meant to commemorate my first ever half marathon in my entire life. I had only intended to write "MY FIRST 21 KM RUN" on the back of the ticket and slot it into my diary.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL WITH A MILLION DOLLAR!!!!!

Love

ALICE

Wishing upon the stars

It has been tough during the past 3 days since i decided to stop painting my nails. I think it is addictive but I am determined to stop all these nonsense. And I am tired of being sick. And perhaps that is the reason why I miss Texas so much. In Texas, I can take a drive to some small towns and relax. Maybe I was younger then too, it seemed that life is more lived and freed.

Anyway, I have not been feeling so well the past 2 weeks. As I mentioned before, my tongue is super sensitive and I am lethargic most of the time. I miss the younger Alice 15 years ago. I really did have much more energy then. I can't help but to ponder about life. Why in the first place, are the human beings on earth? Is it fair when we are all born to live and struggle and die? This might appear to be a stupid, self indulgent question... but come on, can anyone on earth give a good answer to it? Talking about human rights..... no one on earth, reading this, have had a say on whether they want to become a human or not. If I had a choice, I probably won't.

Since I am already in this world, I know it will be terrible if i continue to dwell on this. My freedom is already taken away. I don't have control over when I want in or out of this world, or even to be present in the first place. So I have decided that I will make myself as happy and fulfilled as possible. I want to enjoy life to the fullest while I am here.

Today, I want to start running. Though I have never been good in sports, but I figure that by running, I can improve my health and motivation in life. I watched the movie, "Forrest Gump"...Tom Hanks' run was inspirational. I don't know how far I can run, but I will update in this blog soon.

I'm feeling really like an old woman lately. I'm still young, I'd like to think, but this month of september I've been feeling aughful, as if I was 89 years old. I've started to have strange syntoms, I don't know if it might come from the european food, the water, the air...but because i don't feel well i'm always in a bad mood and I don't even feel like writting on this blog anymore. besides that in lisbon the weather is become very melancholic recently (or maybe it's just me the melancholic one)and I never thought I'd say this but: 1, I miss texas sometimes, and 2, I don't want to paint my nails anymore, who cares.
I have some kind of hypersensitivity in my mouth and my tongue barely touching my teeth or the food it hurts. my neck hurts and I feel tired all the time...I spend so much time by myself that I'm becoming obsesive and start feeling sympathy...I guess i'm not very good making friends or it's just that I don't find anybody interesting..............................................silence...............i wanted to listen to the silence for some seconds but it's impossible, my neighbour is playing some kind of african music very loud and it's impossible to listen to anything else.....i guess I'll just go for a walk under the rain to see if I my mood changes, because writting obviously hasn't worked.

Invention of the Sitting Bowl

Here is a interesting read on Toilets. Apparently, it seems that we are giving ourselves health problem with invention that are supposed to improve our living conditions. Few years back, I was in Thailand and came across a squatting toilet bowl. I was having great difficulty in figuring out how I should position myself. And I have taken for granted to assume that one should be sitting and not squatting while we do it, till I read this article. Actually, dogs have given us a big hint about the healthy way... I haven't seen any dogs sitting while doing their business.

Article link:

http://naturesplatform.com/health_benefits.html#rb

i´m back to lisbon now, after a short holidays period in menorca, a beautiful small island in the mediterranean sea.
it's the first time i do this alone, i mean to travel for 10 days by myself, choosing where to go, how etc all by myself. i didn't like the idea very much but then again i didn't want to spend the whole summer in lisbon and i didn't have anyone to travel with...so i left...and it's been a very interesting experience. definitely i recommend it.

Smoking

Recently, I have been thinking alot about smoking. Believe me, I have went through almost all Quitting sites on the internet. I am sure many smokers can identify with me. And it seems to me that no one on earth has yet to come out with an innovative solution to quitting. All sites and help give similar advice.

1. Set a quitting date

2. List down all the pros and cons about smoking

3. Adopt a gradual cutting down approach or quit cold turkey

4. Success to becoming a non-smoker

I wish it is simple as it seems. Perhaps it works for some, but not for stubborn people, like myself. So, I started a quest on my personal attempt to quit smoking. I reckon that it will be good to revisit my entire history with this packet of cigarettes lying in front of me. How did it started?

It was one evening when i was starring out of my bedroom's window, I have forgotten what I was thinking about then. It was 25 years ago. I was looking at the cows and trees. A river runs through the greenery. There were some trucks on the highway. From far, I saw a truck approaching. That would have been a common sight, except this particular truck, on this particular evening seemed to have gotten into some trouble. It must have been traveling at extremely high speed when a small little calf accidentally roamed onto this man-made, artificial freeway. I could imagine the expression on both the calf's and truck driver's faces, eyes popping out with wide open mouth, startled, maybe with a scream let out. The truck moved with great velocity from left to right, right to left, in the pattern of a S. It finally and successfully missed the calf, but charged its way into this old oak tree. The next scene to follow was hilarious. The calf calmly made its way back to the greens and the truck driver emerged from his truck with both hands on his forehead. Few seconds passed, he reached for the back pocket of his jeans, took out a pack of Marlboro Red. He seemed relieved with his first puff after this tragic accident. I mean it was tragical for the truck. Quickly, I saw him gaining back his composure with the stick in his mouth. He went past the freeway onto the greenway, just to check if the calf was unhurt. That moment was unforgettable and cinematographic. With that moment, I felt in love with smoking. I watched him from a far, I couldn't make out the details of his features, but I remembered clearly that he was wearing a red shirt and blue jeans, with a cowboy hat.

I went to my father's room, stole a stick from him, and i was officially a self-made smoker then. Upon reflection, I don't think it was the truck driver's fault to make me a smoker, nor was I so mesmerized by his action or him. Up till today, I am still puzzled about how this event has led me to smoking.

Anyway, back to now, I think I am going to try various way to quit smoking. One immediate idea is to indulge in other pleasure such as spas and massages. I think massages and spas are another form of indulgence for the body, it should release some tension and give some pleasure. And perhaps, with the aroma oils, it will heighten my will to quit smoking. Basically, I am trying to find a distraction to my desire to smoke. Let's see if this helps.

Alice

My First Blog

On my 17th Birthday, I decided to paint my nails red. That was 20 years ago and ever since then, I have been wearing red nails everyday. Sometimes, I try different shades of red.. cherry red, hot red, blood red, dark red, chocolate red...

As to the reason for my decision on my 17th birthday, it was purely made out of an impulsive desire to curb my obsessive eating of Mac Donald's Cheese Burger. I figured that with these red nails, whenever I am tempted to raise a cheeseburger towards my mouth, the beautiful red nails will catch my eyes first before the cheeseburger catches my mouth. Then perhaps, it will distract me from the burger, and eventually, I will be freed from this burger obsession.

Have I succeeded? Yes. I have never touched another Mac Donald Burger since... although i still eat cheese, beef steak, ketchup, buns... but not from Mac Donald, and not in that configuration.

Now, back to my first blog on the internet....I have never ever thought that i will do this in my life time. I am basically a private person. I was recently retrenched from my work /thanks to the recession/. As a result, I began exploring the internet for job options, facebooking to find contacts, looking at blogs, Ad Sense, Googles, You tube... all ways to find a route to survival.

I have to confess that it makes me 100% curious that people are able to earn a living just by being on the computer. But to be honest, that wasn't the reason why i decide to write my blog. Of course, i do hope someday, I will be able to make a success, like those people I've read about. BUT!!! I've come to realise that this is a place where I can really confess, bare it all, tell it all, to share, to be attacked.... but i am still safe. As i mentioned, I am private, so you have to understand that it is a relief to be able to express and pour out much of my personal desire to speak.

I think in this world, a potential problem is people are talking too much, but listening and sensing much less. Maybe I am on the other extreme, talking too little, and this can make living quite difficult. Hence, I decide to blog.

Thanks for reading this.. I will be back for more. For now, I leave you a photo of my introduction, my red nails.